Letting Go of "Being Perfect"

I was thinking to myself this afternoon- If only I was perfect.

If I was perfect maybe I’d get a promotion of some sort (not like any are actually available), or I’d be more respected, or new opportunities would fall out of the sky for me. Or I’d be happier. Or stuff. But I’m not perfect, and trying to be a perfectionist will drive me insane if I let it. Then I started thinking about how everyone else’s lives seem so much easier/ better/ happier than mine sometimes. But I *know* that everyone has their problems- it just doesn’t show on the outside. So, then, of course I started thinking about wondering if my problems show on the outside. Because really- I’m not a private person. I’m just not. Usually, I’ll happily discuss what’s on my mind- I don’t feel the need to keep things secret. If I am having issues paying my car payment this month- I’ll totally say that when shopping with a friend. I don’t feel embarrassed or any of that, usually. Maybe that’s “over sharing,” but I just wouldn’t judge anyone for things like that, so that’s what I expect in return.

Though, of course, that’s not always the case. Some people ARE judgy. But I’ve found that the most elitist/judgmental people usually are very conflicted and have lots of problems of their own- so it makes them feel better to put others’ down, even if it’s just mentally. Sometimes that’s not true, though. Sometimes they are just bitches. The bitches seem like bitches- even if they think they seem cool. They usually gather in small groups of 2 or 3 so they can whisper among themselves and all. I feel sorry for them because they are obviously bitches. I find those kind of actions completely pathetic.

And bitches like this love open people like me. “Open” being a relative term, as I’m open with my feelings, and talking about myself and my life sitches (though I usually have a giant filter up when talking about other people). But I’m not open in other ways. I have lots of walls up, I have big ol’ blocks, I have trouble relaxing, I have trouble letting go and a big fear of losing control. See- here I go, oversharing!  The only reason this really bothers me, is that I KNOW I have undeveloped psychic and spiritual shit going on. I’d be more interested in divination. I’d have no problems aspecting. But try and try and try and try- and I still have lots of problems letting go, and relinquishing control. I feel balanced, but maybe I’d feel better if I was better at letting go.

Maybe I need to let go of the idea of being perfect or the best? I’m competitive and worry about other people a lot. Maybe I should just let go- experience life for me, so what *I* want to do and not be so hard on myself.