On Being the High and Mighty Priestess. Or Not?

After priestessing my group for about five and a half years, I’m still waiting to feel like the high priestess.

Upon the formation of the group, I was sure that at some point, I’d start feeling powerful. Or at least that I was smarter/better/wiser than the other people in my group. Or that I would always know what was best for the group, and that I’d always be supremely confident in every single decision that I’d make. I would share my wisdom to people who would love and respect me. I’d be the one that everyone always came to for everything. I’d get used to a more dramatic ritual style. My evocations would be flawless. I’d have a structured daily practice and be completely comfortable with speaking in front of people. I’d magically be able to memorize everything super easily. I would become this image of a high priestess that I had in my head. Not that I wanted to be high and mighty, I just felt that if I was able to do all these things, I’d be a better witch!

Riiiiiiight.

Almost six years later. Shocker- I’m the same person. I’ve been told that I’m a triple virgo (sun, moon and rising signs- though I’ve also been told that my moon is in Taurus). My ruling planet, Mercury is also in Virgo. I have almost NO air in my chart. Barely any fire at all. In high school, my straight A (even in honors) report card was besmirched by my B in drama. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one in that class that got a B in drama. And I did lame extra credit, even! I can joke around and be dramatic, but when I try to act dramatic, it comes out weird (at least in my mind- its rare that I attempt any sort of acting in front of other people). I can read dramatically, but evidently I self-criticize too much and get really embarrassed about acting- always afraid I’ll overact. I’m usually very guarded about my actions.

I do share my wisdom with people who love and respect me, and they do so as well. I don’t want to be the one that everyone comes to for everything- who wants that, really? It’s not practical at all. It’s better that I work within a group of sisters who come from diverse enough backgrounds that we all can contribute to the collective knowledge of the group. I still have issues with memorization (I used to be stellar at it in junior high- what happened?!) and I’m getting better at spontaneous ritual. At the last Night of a Thousand Goddesses event, I had NO idea how we were going to finish the ritual. But it came to me, and we finished it and all was well- not nearly as scary as I had expected.

I’m not infallible, nor am I always super confident. I have insecurities, as does everyone else. The older I get, I find that I struggle more with my social anxiety- moreso with people I don’t know, and meeting new people. But that’s how it is, and I manage it the best I can. I’m a person, and there are things about me, that –try as I might- I probably won’t be able to change as drastically as I’d like. But then if I changed so dramatically, would I even recognize myself? There are things that I can change. I need to let go more often, relax more, stop stressing about things, and stop putting pressure on myself for things that don’t really matter in the long run. And there are things I probably won’t. I’m always going to be more practical than dreamy. I’m going to let that go.

No one is perfect. I need to stop trying. I know I’ve written posts about that before, but maybe the more I write about it, the easier it will be to accept and act in accordance to the statement.

So, I still haven’t found myself as feeling like a ‘high’ priestess. I figured I would, but instead I still find myself feeling like me. A coven leader, one of a circle of wise, loving, intelligent, awesome sisters. Coordinator of rituals, events, meetings, and rules. Not the high and mighty, all-knowing, infallible priestess I had expected to feel like.

I like this me better than the person who I had hoped to become.