In the spirit of Samhain, I saw this posted as a "serious spell," on a discussion site. This spell, from Charmed, has a really great feel to it, and I don't know why it couldn't be adapted and utilized IRL.
Hear my voice, hear my cry, spirit(s) from the other side,
Come to me, I conjure thee, cross now the great divide.
On Being the High and Mighty Priestess. Or Not?
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Labels:
Covencrafting,
Life
After priestessing my group for about five and a half years, I’m still waiting to feel like the high priestess.
Upon the formation of the group, I was sure that at some point, I’d start feeling powerful. Or at least that I was smarter/better/wiser than the other people in my group. Or that I would always know what was best for the group, and that I’d always be supremely confident in every single decision that I’d make. I would share my wisdom to people who would love and respect me. I’d be the one that everyone always came to for everything. I’d get used to a more dramatic ritual style. My evocations would be flawless. I’d have a structured daily practice and be completely comfortable with speaking in front of people. I’d magically be able to memorize everything super easily. I would become this image of a high priestess that I had in my head. Not that I wanted to be high and mighty, I just felt that if I was able to do all these things, I’d be a better witch!
Riiiiiiight.
Almost six years later. Shocker- I’m the same person. I’ve been told that I’m a triple virgo (sun, moon and rising signs- though I’ve also been told that my moon is in Taurus). My ruling planet, Mercury is also in Virgo. I have almost NO air in my chart. Barely any fire at all. In high school, my straight A (even in honors) report card was besmirched by my B in drama. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one in that class that got a B in drama. And I did lame extra credit, even! I can joke around and be dramatic, but when I try to act dramatic, it comes out weird (at least in my mind- its rare that I attempt any sort of acting in front of other people). I can read dramatically, but evidently I self-criticize too much and get really embarrassed about acting- always afraid I’ll overact. I’m usually very guarded about my actions.
I do share my wisdom with people who love and respect me, and they do so as well. I don’t want to be the one that everyone comes to for everything- who wants that, really? It’s not practical at all. It’s better that I work within a group of sisters who come from diverse enough backgrounds that we all can contribute to the collective knowledge of the group. I still have issues with memorization (I used to be stellar at it in junior high- what happened?!) and I’m getting better at spontaneous ritual. At the last Night of a Thousand Goddesses event, I had NO idea how we were going to finish the ritual. But it came to me, and we finished it and all was well- not nearly as scary as I had expected.
I’m not infallible, nor am I always super confident. I have insecurities, as does everyone else. The older I get, I find that I struggle more with my social anxiety- moreso with people I don’t know, and meeting new people. But that’s how it is, and I manage it the best I can. I’m a person, and there are things about me, that –try as I might- I probably won’t be able to change as drastically as I’d like. But then if I changed so dramatically, would I even recognize myself? There are things that I can change. I need to let go more often, relax more, stop stressing about things, and stop putting pressure on myself for things that don’t really matter in the long run. And there are things I probably won’t. I’m always going to be more practical than dreamy. I’m going to let that go.
No one is perfect. I need to stop trying. I know I’ve written posts about that before, but maybe the more I write about it, the easier it will be to accept and act in accordance to the statement.
So, I still haven’t found myself as feeling like a ‘high’ priestess. I figured I would, but instead I still find myself feeling like me. A coven leader, one of a circle of wise, loving, intelligent, awesome sisters. Coordinator of rituals, events, meetings, and rules. Not the high and mighty, all-knowing, infallible priestess I had expected to feel like.
I like this me better than the person who I had hoped to become.
Upon the formation of the group, I was sure that at some point, I’d start feeling powerful. Or at least that I was smarter/better/wiser than the other people in my group. Or that I would always know what was best for the group, and that I’d always be supremely confident in every single decision that I’d make. I would share my wisdom to people who would love and respect me. I’d be the one that everyone always came to for everything. I’d get used to a more dramatic ritual style. My evocations would be flawless. I’d have a structured daily practice and be completely comfortable with speaking in front of people. I’d magically be able to memorize everything super easily. I would become this image of a high priestess that I had in my head. Not that I wanted to be high and mighty, I just felt that if I was able to do all these things, I’d be a better witch!
Riiiiiiight.
Almost six years later. Shocker- I’m the same person. I’ve been told that I’m a triple virgo (sun, moon and rising signs- though I’ve also been told that my moon is in Taurus). My ruling planet, Mercury is also in Virgo. I have almost NO air in my chart. Barely any fire at all. In high school, my straight A (even in honors) report card was besmirched by my B in drama. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one in that class that got a B in drama. And I did lame extra credit, even! I can joke around and be dramatic, but when I try to act dramatic, it comes out weird (at least in my mind- its rare that I attempt any sort of acting in front of other people). I can read dramatically, but evidently I self-criticize too much and get really embarrassed about acting- always afraid I’ll overact. I’m usually very guarded about my actions.
I do share my wisdom with people who love and respect me, and they do so as well. I don’t want to be the one that everyone comes to for everything- who wants that, really? It’s not practical at all. It’s better that I work within a group of sisters who come from diverse enough backgrounds that we all can contribute to the collective knowledge of the group. I still have issues with memorization (I used to be stellar at it in junior high- what happened?!) and I’m getting better at spontaneous ritual. At the last Night of a Thousand Goddesses event, I had NO idea how we were going to finish the ritual. But it came to me, and we finished it and all was well- not nearly as scary as I had expected.
I’m not infallible, nor am I always super confident. I have insecurities, as does everyone else. The older I get, I find that I struggle more with my social anxiety- moreso with people I don’t know, and meeting new people. But that’s how it is, and I manage it the best I can. I’m a person, and there are things about me, that –try as I might- I probably won’t be able to change as drastically as I’d like. But then if I changed so dramatically, would I even recognize myself? There are things that I can change. I need to let go more often, relax more, stop stressing about things, and stop putting pressure on myself for things that don’t really matter in the long run. And there are things I probably won’t. I’m always going to be more practical than dreamy. I’m going to let that go.
No one is perfect. I need to stop trying. I know I’ve written posts about that before, but maybe the more I write about it, the easier it will be to accept and act in accordance to the statement.
So, I still haven’t found myself as feeling like a ‘high’ priestess. I figured I would, but instead I still find myself feeling like me. A coven leader, one of a circle of wise, loving, intelligent, awesome sisters. Coordinator of rituals, events, meetings, and rules. Not the high and mighty, all-knowing, infallible priestess I had expected to feel like.
I like this me better than the person who I had hoped to become.
My Pillow is NOT Your Bed
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Labels:
Animals
Ok. I know Cindy thinks I?m turning into the cat lady, but since I?ve never really been around cats before, it?s really not surprising that this cat kind of fascinates me. So the cat has been sleeping at my feet, on the floor or on her kitty bed by the bedroom door for ages now. If she?s kicked out of the room, she usually just lays in front of the door until I get up, then she?ll follow me around all morning and try to convince me to stay home from work.
Well, lately, she?s decided that she should sleep on my pillow. Seriously? Like I want cat hair on my pillow? Or a tail thwapping me in the face- she thwaps her tail a lot, even when she?s happy. Weird bird. Anyway, so she?ll start down by my feet, the floor ,or her bed, and the minute I fall asleep, she?ll creep up and lay down on my pillow, above my head. If I wake up, I block and send her down to the end of the bed, but she?s getting fairly sneaky about it. So I wake up to a tail thwapping. Or sometimes she?ll pat my head with her paw. The other night, I reached up and she bit me. Not hard at all, mind you, but I?m training her not to bite. She KNOWS it too. When she bites, she gets forced off of wherever she is, or gets kicked out of the room. I think she thought I wouldn?t notice if I was asleep. So I kicked her out. I hope she learns soon, I?m trying to use cat treats to help. Hubby is a pushover and will feed her cat treats non-stop. I?m going to have to hide them from him. LOL!
Well, lately, she?s decided that she should sleep on my pillow. Seriously? Like I want cat hair on my pillow? Or a tail thwapping me in the face- she thwaps her tail a lot, even when she?s happy. Weird bird. Anyway, so she?ll start down by my feet, the floor ,or her bed, and the minute I fall asleep, she?ll creep up and lay down on my pillow, above my head. If I wake up, I block and send her down to the end of the bed, but she?s getting fairly sneaky about it. So I wake up to a tail thwapping. Or sometimes she?ll pat my head with her paw. The other night, I reached up and she bit me. Not hard at all, mind you, but I?m training her not to bite. She KNOWS it too. When she bites, she gets forced off of wherever she is, or gets kicked out of the room. I think she thought I wouldn?t notice if I was asleep. So I kicked her out. I hope she learns soon, I?m trying to use cat treats to help. Hubby is a pushover and will feed her cat treats non-stop. I?m going to have to hide them from him. LOL!
The Changing of the Seasons
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I don’t have a favorite season. My favorite time of the year is the time between seasons. It’s like there is literally change in the air, something coming right around the corner. It’s like twilight, or shadows- places between the worlds. There’s power in that.
Hair Flowers!
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Labels:
Crafts
So, I know I haven't posted in awhile, but I wanted to share my little hair flowers that I've created. I've been really busy working on crafts for Pagan Pride Day this weekend, but haven't had a chance to photograph them all just yet. :)
Coven Member Collection
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Labels:
Covencrafting,
OMF,
Rants
I recently received an email on one of my witchy yahoogroups. It was about a Pagan Meet and included these words: Meet new people and check out the members of my Coven!
Oh my goodness! If my high priest/ess had sent an email like this inviting people to come meet new people and “check me out” I would leave in a heartbeat. People are not for display, nor are members of a coven collectable. The point isn’t to get as many people as you can, or to grow your number. A coven is a spiritual family, and whether you have a group of 3 or 13, the point is to become close-knit like a common family. “Our numbers are growing” is another phrase I have seen from people who are creating new covens. It’s not a war- you aren’t building an army. Sure, it’s nice to have more like-minded people around, but I bet that these new leaders of groups will find out very quickly that more does not always equal better.
This was one of the issues with the first covens I participated in. We had 13 or so people, but not all of them were on the same page. Some wanted a teaching group, some wanted it to be a working group, some had Norse leanings, others wanted to honor deities of other cultures. Expectations were not laid out, the group cohesiveness was missing, and the leader accepted anyone who wanted to join. Which meant we had a few people with some sort of traditional training, and others who thought that they could fly. The group fell apart in less than a year. If one focuses on quantity, rather than quality- then this will be the eventual outcome. People will be unhappy, and leave. A coven is also not about the high priestess. A coven is about the group- the synergy that is created when all are of one hive mind. If a high priestess is on a power trip, then she won’t have members for long. Unless she likes the simpering sycophant. But sycophants do not make the best energy work partners.
I don’t know. This email made me stop and think. As I don’t really know anyone on the list, and don’t want to get a reputation of a troublemaker I’ll keep my mouth shut. When really I’d like to gently let the writer know that his/her coven members might not appreciate being objectified. But I’m pretty sure, I’d get that overly-diplomatic, holier than thou reputation that I wrote about in my last blog. I might reach out to this person and touch base with them, as I’d like to get a community ritual together. And it’s completely possible that the writer misspoke. If this is so, I’m glad s/he did so that I’d be inspired to share my feelings on groupweaving on my blog.
Oh my goodness! If my high priest/ess had sent an email like this inviting people to come meet new people and “check me out” I would leave in a heartbeat. People are not for display, nor are members of a coven collectable. The point isn’t to get as many people as you can, or to grow your number. A coven is a spiritual family, and whether you have a group of 3 or 13, the point is to become close-knit like a common family. “Our numbers are growing” is another phrase I have seen from people who are creating new covens. It’s not a war- you aren’t building an army. Sure, it’s nice to have more like-minded people around, but I bet that these new leaders of groups will find out very quickly that more does not always equal better.
This was one of the issues with the first covens I participated in. We had 13 or so people, but not all of them were on the same page. Some wanted a teaching group, some wanted it to be a working group, some had Norse leanings, others wanted to honor deities of other cultures. Expectations were not laid out, the group cohesiveness was missing, and the leader accepted anyone who wanted to join. Which meant we had a few people with some sort of traditional training, and others who thought that they could fly. The group fell apart in less than a year. If one focuses on quantity, rather than quality- then this will be the eventual outcome. People will be unhappy, and leave. A coven is also not about the high priestess. A coven is about the group- the synergy that is created when all are of one hive mind. If a high priestess is on a power trip, then she won’t have members for long. Unless she likes the simpering sycophant. But sycophants do not make the best energy work partners.
I don’t know. This email made me stop and think. As I don’t really know anyone on the list, and don’t want to get a reputation of a troublemaker I’ll keep my mouth shut. When really I’d like to gently let the writer know that his/her coven members might not appreciate being objectified. But I’m pretty sure, I’d get that overly-diplomatic, holier than thou reputation that I wrote about in my last blog. I might reach out to this person and touch base with them, as I’d like to get a community ritual together. And it’s completely possible that the writer misspoke. If this is so, I’m glad s/he did so that I’d be inspired to share my feelings on groupweaving on my blog.
Disappointment, Feelings and Analyzing
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Labels:
Life
I have flaming angry PMS. And I haven’t blogged for awhile. Its only in the past year that I’ve really started getting PMS. Short TMI alert. My boobs get sore, I go from normal to ragetastic in 3.4 seconds, and its hard to keep a grip on that. I also want to eat EVERYTHING. Kind of like when I have to take the Prednisone. STARVING. Makes me really look forward to actually having a period.
So, I haven’t let the environmental issues at home get to me, really. The kitchen is torn up, the office is of torn up. The playroom is crowded, and so is my room. The backyard still has a bunch of shit in it. I’m so disappointed. I’ve been so focused on trying to stay positive for the past month or so, and now I’m letting myself let things go. Like, I was so excited to have a birthday party. I haven’t had a REAL birthday party since I was like 12 or 13 and last year, for my 30th, we were struggling to even pay bills on time to not let things get shut off. So, needless to say, no party for me. So, I had decided that I was going to have a party this year- it was going to be my 30th birthday party- on my 31st birthday. It was supposed to be funny. I really wanted to have a party for that milestone, so why not? Well, with all of the shit going on, its not going to happen.
Obviously. I’m not trying to dwell on it, but this weekend is my birthday, and I had planned out this awesome party. Not like anyone knew that/what I was planning, but I was really excited about it. I can’t do it next year, either, because while having a 30th birthday party on a 31st birthday is funny, having it on a 32nd birthday would just be sad. I know, in the big scheme of things, in the big picture, its not that important. I’m healthy, I can actually pay my bills on time now. I have a great, loving husband, and a great family. But I think its still okay to be disappointed. I try to stay on the positive side, a lot, and I try not to let things “get me down,” and I try to ignore things that bother me, but I think it’s probably better to be authentic- and recognize things that suck, while letting them go. It’s okay to be upset and disappointed, because it isn’t fair. But that’s life.
In addition to this, last weekend, a girl quit a yahoogroup ( but we meet in person) that I’m a listmom for, in a very dramatic way. Basically said that no one cared about her, etc. She said she sent it to all of the groups she was part of. I was irritated because I felt as though she was telling US that we didn’t care, etc. Which is exactly what she did do. Even though I got a little mama bear on her, I tried to help her, and tell her she could work through her problems, and I could tell she was strong by her posts on the group (which is all true). I got a very very angry and mean email back. People in the yahoogroup were quick to respond- they defended me, they are really supportive, but I got a lot of “she just didn’t know how to take you.” Both on the list and off. This event has me re-thinking (and over analyzing) what I post from now on. In my passion for trying to help people, It’s possible that I come off holier than thou sometimes, when that’s the last thing I mean to come off of. I am protective, though not possessive, and I’ve been mistaken for being power-trippy, when that’s the LAST thing I am.
It makes me want to take a break from EVERY SOCIAL GROUP / INTERNET GROUP so that I can over analyze in peace for awhile, and get back to being okay with what I type. I’ll be posting less, that’s for sure.
I try to be really diplomatic. Some people get a chuckle out of this. But it’s not easy to be diplomatic. Really. Not. Easy. Especially when I want to tell people what I really think. I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings- so I avoid this at almost any cost. Especially when someone is lashing out and hurting. I’m just glad the listquitter didn’t quit this week- as I’m easily angered, and could easily have fired off an email that she could have construed as hurtful. Not like that would be any different than what I originally sent. One day, I’ll probably tell people what I really think. Ivy uncensored.
So, I haven’t let the environmental issues at home get to me, really. The kitchen is torn up, the office is of torn up. The playroom is crowded, and so is my room. The backyard still has a bunch of shit in it. I’m so disappointed. I’ve been so focused on trying to stay positive for the past month or so, and now I’m letting myself let things go. Like, I was so excited to have a birthday party. I haven’t had a REAL birthday party since I was like 12 or 13 and last year, for my 30th, we were struggling to even pay bills on time to not let things get shut off. So, needless to say, no party for me. So, I had decided that I was going to have a party this year- it was going to be my 30th birthday party- on my 31st birthday. It was supposed to be funny. I really wanted to have a party for that milestone, so why not? Well, with all of the shit going on, its not going to happen.
Obviously. I’m not trying to dwell on it, but this weekend is my birthday, and I had planned out this awesome party. Not like anyone knew that/what I was planning, but I was really excited about it. I can’t do it next year, either, because while having a 30th birthday party on a 31st birthday is funny, having it on a 32nd birthday would just be sad. I know, in the big scheme of things, in the big picture, its not that important. I’m healthy, I can actually pay my bills on time now. I have a great, loving husband, and a great family. But I think its still okay to be disappointed. I try to stay on the positive side, a lot, and I try not to let things “get me down,” and I try to ignore things that bother me, but I think it’s probably better to be authentic- and recognize things that suck, while letting them go. It’s okay to be upset and disappointed, because it isn’t fair. But that’s life.
In addition to this, last weekend, a girl quit a yahoogroup ( but we meet in person) that I’m a listmom for, in a very dramatic way. Basically said that no one cared about her, etc. She said she sent it to all of the groups she was part of. I was irritated because I felt as though she was telling US that we didn’t care, etc. Which is exactly what she did do. Even though I got a little mama bear on her, I tried to help her, and tell her she could work through her problems, and I could tell she was strong by her posts on the group (which is all true). I got a very very angry and mean email back. People in the yahoogroup were quick to respond- they defended me, they are really supportive, but I got a lot of “she just didn’t know how to take you.” Both on the list and off. This event has me re-thinking (and over analyzing) what I post from now on. In my passion for trying to help people, It’s possible that I come off holier than thou sometimes, when that’s the last thing I mean to come off of. I am protective, though not possessive, and I’ve been mistaken for being power-trippy, when that’s the LAST thing I am.
It makes me want to take a break from EVERY SOCIAL GROUP / INTERNET GROUP so that I can over analyze in peace for awhile, and get back to being okay with what I type. I’ll be posting less, that’s for sure.
I try to be really diplomatic. Some people get a chuckle out of this. But it’s not easy to be diplomatic. Really. Not. Easy. Especially when I want to tell people what I really think. I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings- so I avoid this at almost any cost. Especially when someone is lashing out and hurting. I’m just glad the listquitter didn’t quit this week- as I’m easily angered, and could easily have fired off an email that she could have construed as hurtful. Not like that would be any different than what I originally sent. One day, I’ll probably tell people what I really think. Ivy uncensored.
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