Disappointment, Feelings and Analyzing

I have flaming angry PMS. And I haven’t blogged for awhile. Its only in the past year that I’ve really started getting PMS. Short TMI alert. My boobs get sore, I go from normal to ragetastic in 3.4 seconds, and its hard to keep a grip on that. I also want to eat EVERYTHING. Kind of like when I have to take the Prednisone. STARVING. Makes me really look forward to actually having a period.

So, I haven’t let the environmental issues at home get to me, really. The kitchen is torn up, the office is of torn up. The playroom is crowded, and so is my room. The backyard still has a bunch of shit in it. I’m so disappointed. I’ve been so focused on trying to stay positive for the past month or so, and now I’m letting myself let things go. Like, I was so excited to have a birthday party. I haven’t had a REAL birthday party since I was like 12 or 13 and last year, for my 30th, we were struggling to even pay bills on time to not let things get shut off. So, needless to say, no party for me. So, I had decided that I was going to have a party this year- it was going to be my 30th birthday party- on my 31st birthday. It was supposed to be funny. I really wanted to have a party for that milestone, so why not? Well, with all of the shit going on, its not going to happen.

Obviously. I’m not trying to dwell on it, but this weekend is my birthday, and I had planned out this awesome party. Not like anyone knew that/what I was planning, but I was really excited about it. I can’t do it next year, either, because while having a 30th birthday party on a 31st birthday is funny, having it on a 32nd birthday would just be sad. I know, in the big scheme of things, in the big picture, its not that important. I’m healthy, I can actually pay my bills on time now. I have a great, loving husband, and a great family. But I think its still okay to be disappointed. I try to stay on the positive side, a lot, and I try not to let things “get me down,” and I try to ignore things that bother me, but I think it’s probably better to be authentic- and recognize things that suck, while letting them go. It’s okay to be upset and disappointed, because it isn’t fair. But that’s life.

In addition to this, last weekend, a girl quit a yahoogroup ( but we meet in person) that I’m a listmom for, in a very dramatic way. Basically said that no one cared about her, etc. She said she sent it to all of the groups she was part of. I was irritated because I felt as though she was telling US that we didn’t care, etc. Which is exactly what she did do. Even though I got a little mama bear on her, I tried to help her, and tell her she could work through her problems, and I could tell she was strong by her posts on the group (which is all true). I got a very very angry and mean email back. People in the yahoogroup were quick to respond- they defended me, they are really supportive, but I got a lot of “she just didn’t know how to take you.” Both on the list and off. This event has me re-thinking (and over analyzing) what I post from now on. In my passion for trying to help people, It’s possible that I come off holier than thou sometimes, when that’s the last thing I mean to come off of. I am protective, though not possessive, and I’ve been mistaken for being power-trippy, when that’s the LAST thing I am.

It makes me want to take a break from EVERY SOCIAL GROUP / INTERNET GROUP so that I can over analyze in peace for awhile, and get back to being okay with what I type. I’ll be posting less, that’s for sure.

I try to be really diplomatic. Some people get a chuckle out of this. But it’s not easy to be diplomatic. Really. Not. Easy. Especially when I want to tell people what I really think. I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings- so I avoid this at almost any cost. Especially when someone is lashing out and hurting. I’m just glad the listquitter didn’t quit this week- as I’m easily angered, and could easily have fired off an email that she could have construed as hurtful. Not like that would be any different than what I originally sent. One day, I’ll probably tell people what I really think. Ivy uncensored.


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