Creating a Daily and/or Personal Practice

Have I written about this before? I probably have, as it’s something I’m gone over and over in my head a million times. I think when people think about starting a daily practice, it seems daunting. Living in Los Angeles, it seems as though there is never enough time for everything I want to do in a day. Personally, I cut back my activities – way back—thinking that it would be helpful. Nope. Still not enough time. What I didn’t realize is that there’s almost always something to fill that time. So, make your time filler something you WANT to do.



This being said, we make time for things we WANT to do, not things that we feel we should do. That’s why we roll our eyes at the treadmill, and watch our favorite TV show instead. So, I feel that the key to starting a daily practice is: make it something you like to do, and something that you will feel is easy to do. Don’t over commit, and don’t try to make it the most super deep, transformative activity. I’m sure sometimes it will be like most of our practices, where we have wonderful experiences that produce sensational UPG, but other times it will be mundane, but it should always feel good to do. For me, besides coming up with a short daily prayer to say to my patron goddess, I’m going to start doing divination on the new moon. The thing that holds me back the most, is that I always feel like I should record everything for posterity- this takes the fun out of a lot of it. So, I’m going to break free of my WRITE IT DOWN issue, and divine for fun and introspection, then follow that up with meditation. That’s it. Divination and meditation, probably in a compacted ritual format. That’s fun, manageable, and can take about a half hour of my day.


Besides this, I’d like to try a short period of meditation each evening before bed (I’m not a morning person, so that shining, happy morning yoga person inside of me DOES NOT EXIST). What could you adjust in your life to make room for a personal practice?

Kentucky, Part 1

I write "part 1," as I'm sure there will be other parts. This photo is the view out the back of my husband's mamaw's back window. It leads up the hill, to a larger, lush, green hill, where the deer come out to play. At dusk, it seems the entire area is alight with the twinkles of fireflies. The front yard is beautiful, too, and across the street is a green field, beyond that lush green hills. It's seriously beautiful here. It makes it easier to understand how one of my best friends came home, packed her stuff and moved out east. The allure of a slower lifestyle is very attractive. There is MUCH less to do out here. While I have four Targets within a half hour at home, out here, one has to go about an hour or so to get to a Target. They do have a WalMart. Also, they have some really cool shops. I bought a bunch of stuff while out here, and I have to say, I'm looking forward to Cato and Shoe Sensation eventually making their way out west. People seem to be more polite and nice, and prices here for just about everything seem more reasonable. At Chili's in Charleston, WV, I had a beautiful red tomato on my sandwich. I'm not a tomato person, usually, but it tasted amazing. Since farms are out here, the food seems to be much more fresh. I've spent a lot of time with my nieces, playing games, watching movies and hanging out- it's been a blast! I am still me, though, and am struggling with some major anxiety. And homesickness at night. I miss my hubby especially, but I found my ring this morning, put it on and feel better about missing him.

It really is beautiful out here, and I'd love to move out here if it would be possible. But the closest big offices (if I could transfer) would be Columbus- which is also beautiful, and Charlotte. It just seems like there is more DAY here, to be had.

Vegas ~ Veggies ~ Glowtoys

Lots of things going on, lately. Went off to Vegas last weekend with the hubby and my mother-in-law- had a blast! This upcoming Friday, I fly out on vacation for two whole weeks! Yep. My MIL and I will be going to visit my sister in law and my nieces! We fly out on Friday, then on Thursday jump on a cruise ship. Though I'm missing many events with my coven sisters, including Litha, I look forward to finding a creative way to celebrate it on the ship. If possible, I'm hoping to greet the sun on Litha morning. Maybe there will be other Pagans onboard- I can only wear my pentacle and hope.

In the garden, my cucumbers are blooming and my hearloom pear tomato plant is over three feet tall. It's outgrowing it's little cage, and I finally have little bitty pear shaped tomatoes. Early girl is doing alright, and have quite a few tomatoes coming up, too. I really hope they wait until I get back from vacation to do their thing! I can't wait for the heirloom pears to ripen- we are going to have yummy BLTs, for sure. Zucchini is finally finding it's feet, since I've thinned it out- the flowers are blooming. No veggies yet, though! I've been harvesting a few green beans here and there and putting them in the fridge. No peppers yet, but my orange and purple pepper plants look happy! Lots of veggies in such a small area.

I purchased a sport-weight hula hoop a few months back, and have been hooping on and off, as well as practicing poi. I find this so much fun, as I've always loved dance and dancing with toys. I love listening to the music and feeling the flow. I have traditional poi balls from Hawaii, but want to purchase glow poi, and possibly a LED hoop at some point. I figure if I can manage the sport weight hoop, at some point, I'll get a dance weight hoop - the LED hoops are expensive, so I want to make sure I can stick with it. I've been into poi on and off since the fifth grade. I'm pretty much in for the long haul, there. Another fun glow flowtoy that is popular is the glow staff. It's 4' long and glows. Well, I did tall flags in high school about *coughcoughcough* years ago, and loved it. LOVED it. So much so, that if they had an old person club for it, I'd join. My flag was about 5; long, and so I want to MAKE a glowable staff that size. That would be pretty neat, I think. If so, I'll post a tutorial, of course. Sharing knowledge and experience is where the power really is.

Memorial Day 2011

This weekend is Memorial Day weekend in the US, a time to honor our veterans who have passed through the veil. This link is a good reminder that Memorial Day is not just about softball tournaments, barbeques and sunshine. It’s because of these men and women that we have the chance to enjoy our rites of summer. So, light a red, white or blue candle this weekend, for those who have passed. Even if you don’t believe in the war, know that these soldiers believed in it enough to put their lives on the line for us, and make the ultimate sacrifice. Light a candle for the families and friends of our fallen heroes.

Spring is so fickle!

The weather has been so fickle the past few weeks. From super hot, to cold and rainy... well, I guess that's spring!

My radishes have all been harvested, and the new seedlings are about ready to be planted in their place. My zucchini has a bunch of leaves... still small, but it already has a flower. My green beans are flowering, and I need to thin out my cukes. Green tomatoes are on a few of my tomato plants, and my heirloom pair tomato plant went from halfway dead to a growth spurt.

Next on my list of things to acquire is a kit for canning. Whether or not my tomatoes come in, I'm going to make homemade pasta sauces and salsas, and can them. I'm hoping to have lots of cucumbers so that I can make pickles, as well. This is part of my homespun agenda. At some point in my life, I'll be able to have myself a little homestead. Until then, it can't hurt to learn some skills.

Starting a vegetable garden has really helped me connect more with the earth and Her cycles. Now, if I can just get the "healthy eating" thing down pat! Part of me has this wonderful plan to create healthy meals and eat them! And the realistic part of me is exhausted when I get home from work. Add to that consistant back pain and it's just not feasible for now. But, like canning, I'm learning how to cook healthy meals, so that when I am not exhausted, I will already have the skills I need.

I celebrated the full moon with my coven sisters this past Tuesday. What a lovely ritual we had. <3 I am lucky to be a part of these women's lives.

Limitations

Do we accept our limitations or strive to break through what holds us back. How long is too long to work on something before accepting that it will always one one back? Five years? 10 years? 20 years? Is there a "higher Reason" why this happens? Should we focus on something else in it's stead?

I cannot do public speaking. When I first joined the industry that I am currently in, I couldn't speak at my first sales meeting. There were about seven other people around the table. All I had to say was one personal success story for the week. I eeked it out and felt profound relief. I've always had issues talking in front of people. I've taken speech classes, oral interpretation classes, drama classes, to try to feel more comfortable, as people have always told me that this was the best thing to do. Still. when I have to speak on a conference call, I fall into an overly mental place, listening to how my words sound, and basically psyching myself out while at the same time, trying to present whatever piece I'm supposed to be talking about.

As a high priestess, this hasn't really held me back too much, as I know what I'm talking about, and speak to only small groups of people (usually already friends, or brand-new friends). Sometimes during class or ritual, I'll find myself falling into that overly mental place. but am able to bring myself out of it. Maybe it's easier, as I don't feel like I need to prove myself or advance in any way.

This year at work has been a little bit better, as my job has required me to hold several WebEx conference calls with small groups of people. It's a lot easier to speak on a topic when I know what I'm talking about. I have never had any problems with training people, nor speaking up in a meeting, when I feel that I have something that needs to be said. It's just that weird middle- just talking about something- that's difficult for me.

Now, I have tried to push past this for about fifteen years now, and it's definitely an obstacle in my career path. My question is, at what point do I give up on trying to advance myself in my career? Do I have to choose to either be happy where I am forever, or feel like I'm Sisyphus, trying to forever roll my boulder uphill, only to have it roll back down, never making any progress. That's something I'm trying to work out.

Ripples from a Pebble Tossed in the Reiki Pool

I was blessed enough to be able to take my first Reiki class/ attunement last month.

I have been told in that past that I had the potential to be a gifted healer, and that along with many other influences, led me to this path. I’ve tried some different types of healing before, but nothing really clicked for me; nothing felt like it worked. I pretty much just gave up, and concentrated my energies elsewhere. When a friend of mine mentioned this opportunity, I jumped at it. I’ve been researching healing methods for years, and Reiki is one that I’d always been drawn to. The class was great. Yadira talked to us about the history of Reiki, what it is (and what its not), and explained how to do a self-treatment and a treatment for others. Then she attuned us, and we had practice time.

Trusting my intuition has always been a challenge to me. I’m a very analytical person, and I over-analyze and self-censor quite a bit. I’ve always felt like intuition is just guessing, and that my brain was just making things up. I’m not a fan of the over-analyzy part of my personality, but it’s there, and I deal.
I’ve never been very confident in reading (tarot, runes) for other people, as I’m always afraid of being wrong. Something that Yadira mentioned at the class really resonated with me. She mentioned that if you mention something intuitive, and the person doesn’t really agree with it, then it might be something that is working on manifesting, or that will happen in the future. (I’m really paraphrasing, here, as this is what I got from it). I’ve never really had someone say to me that it’s okay if the person doesn’t agree. My role is to be the messenger. It really clicked with me, and I took that concept with me to my coven meeting, where our main topic was to talk about tarot. We discussed the trepidation that most of us felt when trying to read for someone else, and I was able to explain how I felt about it now. It’s like that’s clicked for me, and that’s a very freeing feeling to have.

I went this past weekend to a workshop that she hosted, where we meditated and practiced reiki on one another. I was able to sense the difference between Reiki I and Reiki II practitioners’ energy, and that was interesting and surprising to me. It makes me really look forward to taking the second class and attunement whenthat opportunity is offered. I don’t really take classes very often. My desire to take a class and my financial ability to take a class rarely line up in such a way where taking a class is possible. I just feel so blessed that it’s worked out for me this time. I’m going to try to go to more classes, as learning from Yadira has made me consider some things that might make me a better teacher myself.

November 2010 Update

November is such a weird time for me. I know I haven’t blogged much, but I’ve been busy, and have been having some issues lately. But enough of that. On with the good!




A few weeks ago, I took my first reiki class, and had my first attunement. Those who know me, know that I’m an open minded skeptic, and while I wanted it to be awesome and work, I had this skepticism that I couldn’t shake. I’m always skeptical about EVERYTHING. It’s actually part of what brought me to my spiritual path. Anyway. Back to reiki… The teacher was phenomenal, and the coolest thing of all, is that it works. Doing reiki is something that I am able to physically feel in my hands, which is amazing, and after coming home and practicing, took a lot of my self-doubt away. I did a hands-on treatment for my husband, and I’ve been doing self reiki very often. Now, I’m just trying to figure out the practical logistics of how I would be able to give a treatment without igniting my back problem. It’s a lot of leaning and standing, and that’s something I need to figure out how to do, so I don’t need to drug myself up.


My niece is so big now, and she's more adorable than ever. She looks like a little person- it's amazing how quickly they grow! I'm going to need to plug my BIL's blog for her in my next post, but I have to wrap this up.

I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving, and a short break from work. I need to regroup and figure out what I want from my career, and this might be a good time to do that.

Hitchhiking Ghosts?

So... this week, I've been feeling kind of under the weather. I don't know why, really. I'm not sick, everything else is fine, but I've been feeling really tired, and like, zapped of energy. I've been just wanting to lay down and watch TV, which is very unusual for me. I mean, sure, I lurve TV, but I'm always doing something else while I watch it- researching, crafting, etc. It's just very strange. Mercury isn't in retrograde, or anything, and everything seems to be A-OK astrologically.

However, I've come to a realization this evening. I'm wondering if, while investigating Founders Park uptown last weekend, if I didn't pick myself up a little traveler. It's not something I've ever dealt with before, so I really dont' know anything about what happens.

Over the past week, I'm constantly feeling bumped into, or I feel like I'm in a small wavy earthquake. A few nights ago, when all was silent in the house, I heard a voice in an empty room- a male voice that wasn't my husband or father-in-law. I just figured that somehow, a window was open and acoustically, the sound got in the room somehow, even though it was really late at night. I just stopped where I was, and, whilst I know exactly where the sound seemed to come from in the room, I just waited to hear more. Nothing. Nada. So, I wrote it off.

This evening, during my personal full moon circle, I felt anxious. Now, I lead circle in groups, so nervousness would be silly, as I'm very used to it. And afterwards I realized it's because I didn't feel alone. I felt like something was in the room with me. Not like "the Goddess walks with me" kinda something, either. And at one point that feeling just completely lifted, like it was never there. Very strange stuff.

So, I guess I'll do a little research and see if this sort of stuff fits the "attachment" ghosty profile, or if I might just have vertigo with a side dish of crazy. Either way, it's a new experience. :) Well, not the crazy side dish- that, I'm used to.

Maybe it's in the DOING, rather than the THINKING.

A short, rather shallow, meditation last night led me to do some research this morning. I’ve been feeling disconnected on-and-off for months now, and rather than bemoan this fact, last night I decided to do something about it. I started changing around my altar, which has lately been a place that has accumulated items without a home. I have empty baby food jars, random candles, a homeless statue and other things on there. I started by finding many of the items a home, and then I decided to just light some of the candles.

I worked up another batch of tomato bug killer (in case it works), and set it in the windowsill, between the window and the screen, so that the sun might hit it and cook it. Of course, as it contains tobacco, I labeled the jar POISON, so that I won’t use it for anything I’d ingest. I think one of my problems is that my studio room has changed so much, I have a bunch of clutter that relates to my jewelry business that I’m trying to get off the ground, and there simply isn’t space for this stuff in the closet. Ben says that he’s cleaning out some of his closet, and maybe I could use that space. That would make me really happy. Plus, I’m still thinking about getting smaller jewelry spinners, because the big one is really beginning to piss me off, and it has no home. Anyway, I ramble. Hey- it’s my blog- if I can’t ramble on here, where can I ramble?
So, in the end, I did a short meditation. While doing this, one of the dogs came in the candlelit room and laid next to my chair. I focused on the ‘how’ of becoming reconnected, rather than the ‘why’ of the disconnect. Which leads me to my research project this morning- among other things, a big white garden rose. After the meditation, I made notes in my BoS, and realized that I am no longer used to handwriting. My ‘writing’ in my BoS is awful, unlike the emails I send, nor the blogs I write. It’s because my hand cramps so quickly when I handwrite, now. I wonder if there is a way to correct that. I appreciate my handwritten BoS/journals a lot- there is nothing like being able to go back 10+ years and see your experiences written in your own hand. Even if the quickly worded writing style doesn’t make you happy.

So, in the end- I feel that doing something witchy, rather than just thinking about it, wondering, analyzing it, will help to bring the disconnect I feel to an end. I tend to analyze things seven ways to Sunday before making any sort of move. But I think, that perhaps the idea is to just MOVE. To just DO something, rather than spend time thinking about it.

Craft Specialties

Today, I was thinking about how many witches in the Craft end up with a specialty of sorts. Whether its herbalism, astrology, runes or kitchen witchery, many witches find a niche for themselves by learning something that is very interesting to them. In order to become elevated to a higher degree, in many traditions, one must choose a specialty and study in it. It doesn’t mean you’d be the end-all, be-all when it comes to the subject, but that you’d be a resource to your working group when it comes to needing information.

I never really thought of myself as having a specialty, but I guess that if I had to choose one, it would be magickal herbalism. At least, that’s what I did my research paper on when *I* was elevated. Besides having an affinity for trees, I love being among the plants and flowers. And, I’ve taught a few workshops on it. However, I kind of grew away from it, when I was into reading “Green witch” books. I don’t believe that the trees in nature are God, any more than we are, and I have a difficult time believing that some plants are more sacred than others. So, my viewpoint differed from the norm, and I just have been doing my own thing. Its only now that I look back and realize that it’s ok that I don’t agree with some author.

I think I’m going to throw myself into learning more about specific herbs. After practicing for as long as I have, I know what several herbs can do… and I’ve made all kinds of fun things.. oils, tinctures, ointments, teas, incense…even a compress, once. I’d like to become even more knowledgeable, though. I’ve also been told that I have an affinity for healing. I haven’t had a whole lot of success with that, yet, but I’ve never taken classes. I’d love to take a Reiki class, but they tend to be a little pricey. So, besides magickal herbalism, I think the only other “specialty” I have would be communication and it’s affect on group dynamics. And teaching- I’ve done a lot of training, both Craft, and even at my mundane job. I’m still waiting to feel a pull to a divination tool… I started with runes, but have since moved onto tarot. I think it’s time for an in-depth study.


What’s your specialty?

Ides of March Update

It’s been awhile since I wrote a personal blog about what’s up with me. And if you don’t really care about my mid-march Christmas newsletter, it’s fine- I totally understand. :) I know I missed the Ides - its the 19th, but so what? It sounded pretty good.


Family
Everything is well. My (super adorable cutest baby in the world) niece recently had surgery, and it went well! My husband and I are happy, and both sides of our family are doing well. We went to a fun party a few weekends ago, and I made jello shots. I think everyone liked them.


SCGC – Local Paranormal Group
I know in a previous blog I said that I quit the paranormal group that I was a part of. Well, I didn’t, really. So, I’m still doing that – it’s so very interesting. It’s a mystery, not unlike the mysteries that those who follow a Craft path explore. What turns up on the photos, who is talking on my recorder? It’s so strange- in a sexy good way. I’m lucky enough to have met some really awesome people in this group- it was interesting having non-Pagan friends, as literally almost ALL of my friends are some flavor of Pagan. Experiences with these people have also peaked my interested in another spiritual aspect of my life, which I’m sure at some point, I’ll be willing to share more about. Probably. It seems to have been worth the obstacles I found in my way.


CTM – Eclectic Wiccan Coven
The coven is fantastic. I’m so lucky to be a part of this circle of young women. Well, I guess some of us are getting older. Like me. Are you still a young woman if you are over 30? Oh, eff it. You are as young as you feel, right? Anyway, we’re gearing up for our Ostara (spring equinox) circle tomorrow, and planning our Beltane campout. We’re also hosting a meet and greet next month for those who want to join us, and also a SCSW party- but really most of that ends up falling on the sisters who’s house we’re at for that. Our dedicant is over halfway through our dedicant classes, and we might end up taking more dedicants in the summertime.


SCSW – Witchy Social Group
SCSW stands for SoCalSisterWitches - a witchy women’s social group that we spun off of another inspired women’s group. Any witchy woman in southern California can join. We’ve had quite a few new members and I hope that they’ll come to the party in April!


Crafty Business – Twisted Vine Studio
Well, though I haven’t felt inspired lately, I’ve purchased a few displays. One is an earring display that was MUCH bigger than I had anticipated and now I have nowhere to put it. Suckage. That’s my bad. I don’t’ even have enough earrings made to fill it up. Ha! I was planning on using some of my bonus money last month to pay for my business creation paperwork stuff, but it ended up having to go to bills instead. Well, eventually, I’ll get that taken care of. Until then, I’ll work on marketing ideas, inventory and display ideas. I do have a website, although I’m having an issue with getting the paypal to work. You can add stuff into your cart, and fill out your shipping/billing info, but not actually pay. Hilarious! Oh well. I’ll get it there eventually. I did change the look and I love it now. It matches the earthyness of my marketing materials. I need to re-do the Midnight Artemisia logo, though. If you want to look around (since you can’t actually buy anything- LOL) its at http://www.twistedvinestudio.com.

Other Ventures – Writing, etc.
I’m still working on my Wicca 101 book- its going to be a culmination of my classes- marketed toward study groups, and solitaries needing some structure. I also have an idea of another book, but it’s in a completely different genre and is about relationships. I also might start teaching online classes through my own site, since I installed moodle in a subdirectory of my shop site. If I could make a little money through that, it would be nice, but I’d have to find time first, right?

And things change.

I've decided to leave that paranormal group this morning. It was dumb of me to stay anyway, I guess.

 

I just re-read my little ranty blog entry and evidently I was pissed and needed to vent. I'm not pissed any more, nor do I remember being that pissed, but it kind of lets me know that I made the right decision.

Of course, this doesn't mean that I can't still have the interest, or investigate on my own, just that that specific group wasn't a good fit for me, at least not right now. There are several reasons why it was a good idea for me to leave- I should have looked at them as indicators or signs, rather than challenges to be overcome. ‘Cause seriously, sometimes it’s really difficult to discern between the two. The group is great, and I’d recommend it to anyone looking for a paranormal group, but evidently it wasn’t for me right now. I think the post that the director/leader posted this morning was the clue by four I needed.

 

It’s a bummer, because I was really looking forward to investigating with like minded people, and helping families in need. But, this is good on several fronts. I’ll have more time to spend with the hubby, and plan on peeling him away from WoW more often to go places on the weekends, which I know we’ll both enjoy. I’ll have more time to be a better leader in my coven, and more time to focus on some witchy projects. I’ll also have time to craft jewelry more often. This year is going to be about me.

 

Some resolutions for 2010

• I’m going to craft only when I feel like it- not when I feel like I should.
• I’m going to start a daily practice.
• I’m going to run my crafty selling as a *side* thing for fun! Not for the fame, fortune and money, but because I enjoy it. When I stop enjoying it, I’ll stop.
• I’m going to be okay with the natural cycle of enthusiasm- sometimes I will feel sick of participating in anything. I‘ll know I need to ride it out.
• I’m going to eat more vegetables, and find a fun way to exercise.
• I’m going to stop feeling like I *should* do this or that, and instead do things I want to do. Watch more TV. Meditate more, or whatever!

 

Clue by Four, Please?

Tonight, I went to a meeting of the paranormal group I'm a part of. We had a wonderful and very knowledgeable guest speaker. I took pages of notes and learned a lot. I had a nice time... was more comfortable, socially this time. I do struggle with awful social anxiety and this was the first time I came away from a meeting not weighing the idea of quitting due to my social anxiety. However, there were more cracks about witches/Pagans from an uneducated standpoint, and I'm thinking again that this might not be the group for me. Misconceptions that everyone share in (that I don't have a chance to change) make me completely uncomfortable. An offhand joke here or there during a lecture from a guest speaker- or even from other members during past meetings is making me increasingly uncomfortable.

Todays fare included talking about Santarians practicing at a local cemetary, and murmurs about that being scary shit- evidently they leave the carcasses of goats and shit there? Well, I've known of people who have practiced Santaria and animal sacrifice. According to my research, usually, the animal is honored and treated with dignity and respect, and given all kinds of happy things like tasty food, etc. Then it's humanely killed (way more humane than the chickens we eat) and part of the animal is consumed as a ritual, and then the rest of the animal is used as a sacrifice. They would never leave dead carcasses around- how disresepectful! Don't get me wrong, that path is definitely not for me- but there is a big difference between those who those who are Santarians, and those who practice a darker (or wannabe) flavor of something and call it Santaria. Same thing with Satanaism. There are plenty of people who practice LeVeyan Satanism- and it has nothing to do with the fallen angel Lucifer, or demons, that I've found in my research. No calling up of the dead. Neither is my flavor of spirituality- not even close, but I feel sad for the stereotypes and ignorance floating about out there.

Another comment was made about the show Paranormal State. One comment was in reference to Eilfie, the Pagan in the group. It was mentioned that she obviously didn't know what she was doing. "I mean, she's supposed to be a 'witch' or whatever, and her ritual ended with Amen? I mean, come ON!" I'm not saying she did the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram correctly. Not at all. But much of that ritual is based on ancient jewish/hebrew prayer. So, the word Amen is not out of context at all. There are varied flavors of Paganism- some are Wicca or witchcraft based, some are Norse/Celtic/Roman Pagan based, some are based of the mysticism of ancient cultures themselves like Kabbalah, or even some of the recon traditions. Some are ceremonial magic based. Some eclectic Pagans learn about these different paths and blend them together to create a practice that reflects their personal belief system. Its not all about Wicca or aversion to terminology.

I'm just over it. I can't interrupt a lecture to correct without sounding like an overreacting douche. I can't say that I'm offended without seeming like a oversensitive whiner. The strange thing is that I AM offended. Do you know how difficult it is to offend me? Seriously. I've been told I'm going to hell, I've been told that I should become Christian, that people will pray for my hellbound soul, people mistake my pent for a star of david, I've had the cops called on my covens circles, and I was never really offended. I guess I was okay with all of that (and more) because I know that these people have the best intentions. I guess the difference here is that it's just funny to people. Something for people to be afraid of, or laugh about, instead of wanting to learn the truth about it. Or caring about it.

I guess I'm just spoiled because I surround myself with positive and tolerant people. Those who are ignorant, I have a chance to educate. Even the hardcore Christian friends of mine know that I'm nice, have a good heart, and believe that positive paths are the way to a good life and afterlife. I answer any questions they have, and explain my path. I am blessed to be surrounded by such people. My family, friends, co-workers, coven sisters (CTM), social witchy sisters (SCSW), and my other witchy friends who invite me to their open circles. This includes their significant others, and their friends and Pagan family. I see myself as a good person, with a kind heart and good intentions. Usually. ;) I'm blessed to have friends and family that see past the pentacle and seemingly "weird" religion to see that I'm just like everyone else.

I'm just not used to being around such oblivious ignorance. I don't blame them, either. It's not like I dislike anyone, or anything- ignorance isn't an awful thing by itself- its not their fault... I'm just kinda shocked that it's getting to me. I really like everyone- its a great group, and that's why I'm still sticking around. I want to continue in this paranormal group really badly. The founder is doing an AMAZING job. Seriously. I'm in awe of her organization skills (and those who know me know that I know organizing- LOL), and it makes me want to participate so bad. But when I come away every time feeling upset, it makes me think that maybe this group isn't for me. But who am I to tell people to change? I wouldn't want people walking on eggshells around me, or worrying if I might be offended. Gah-that makes me anxious thinking about it. Right now, it seems lose-lose to me.

I need to realize that not everyone will be comfortable with the idea of Paganism/Wicca/witchcraft- I'm not used to that. I don't know- I really feel drawn to this group. Maybe I have some life lesson to learn within this situation- just waiting for Brighid's clue by four. I'm sure it's on its way.

One more toe in the pool!

So, I've made one more step into actually turning my hobby into a business. I registered a domain name, and am trying a hosting service. I'm planning on using wordpress, since it looks like many of my peers are using it. Evidently there is a shopping cart plug in? Well, I'll see, I guess. I don't know that I'm going to apply for a merchant account right away, since I'm signed up for paypal and google checkout.

I need to take new photos of all of the jewelry. I'm only going to take a few photos of each, so I don't get overwhelmed (or get the hubby to do it for me ;)

I want to turn this into an actual business, so I need to research how to do this. I tried to get the state to stop sending me business tax nonsense once I stopped selling IRW, but they didn't close my account or whatever. I guess I need to get them to close that down so that I can apply for a Sellers Permit under my business name instead. Unless I can just change that. I got something in the mail- I think it's all done online now- so I'll look into that.

I'm kind of excited, and looking forward to 2010.

I bought new tackle boxes yesterday to migrate my beads to- will give the old ones to the hubby along with the rest of the tackle box. I really liked that box, because it had a shoulder strap, but now I have too many beads for it anyway. Also hit up the Beadworks and Wal-Mart Saturday. Bought some fun glass beads- was planning on doing some multi colored/random bead bracelets on memory wire, but one of my coven sisters beat me to the punch and I got one for Yule. Its so pretty and I love it! So, I don't want to look like a copycat- so, I guess for now I'll stick to the monochromatic ones that I've been working on. Cookie Lee has multi-colored beaded jewelry in the catalog this go-around, and I want to make a necklace like the one my co-worker has.

Once I'm organized, I want to try to organize a beading meetup or something! Along with a scrapbook crop, since I have a blue million prizes I could give away. Oh my. I just typed "blue million." That's something that hubby always says- yikes!

On Being the High and Mighty Priestess. Or Not?

After priestessing my group for about five and a half years, I’m still waiting to feel like the high priestess.

Upon the formation of the group, I was sure that at some point, I’d start feeling powerful. Or at least that I was smarter/better/wiser than the other people in my group. Or that I would always know what was best for the group, and that I’d always be supremely confident in every single decision that I’d make. I would share my wisdom to people who would love and respect me. I’d be the one that everyone always came to for everything. I’d get used to a more dramatic ritual style. My evocations would be flawless. I’d have a structured daily practice and be completely comfortable with speaking in front of people. I’d magically be able to memorize everything super easily. I would become this image of a high priestess that I had in my head. Not that I wanted to be high and mighty, I just felt that if I was able to do all these things, I’d be a better witch!

Riiiiiiight.

Almost six years later. Shocker- I’m the same person. I’ve been told that I’m a triple virgo (sun, moon and rising signs- though I’ve also been told that my moon is in Taurus). My ruling planet, Mercury is also in Virgo. I have almost NO air in my chart. Barely any fire at all. In high school, my straight A (even in honors) report card was besmirched by my B in drama. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one in that class that got a B in drama. And I did lame extra credit, even! I can joke around and be dramatic, but when I try to act dramatic, it comes out weird (at least in my mind- its rare that I attempt any sort of acting in front of other people). I can read dramatically, but evidently I self-criticize too much and get really embarrassed about acting- always afraid I’ll overact. I’m usually very guarded about my actions.

I do share my wisdom with people who love and respect me, and they do so as well. I don’t want to be the one that everyone comes to for everything- who wants that, really? It’s not practical at all. It’s better that I work within a group of sisters who come from diverse enough backgrounds that we all can contribute to the collective knowledge of the group. I still have issues with memorization (I used to be stellar at it in junior high- what happened?!) and I’m getting better at spontaneous ritual. At the last Night of a Thousand Goddesses event, I had NO idea how we were going to finish the ritual. But it came to me, and we finished it and all was well- not nearly as scary as I had expected.

I’m not infallible, nor am I always super confident. I have insecurities, as does everyone else. The older I get, I find that I struggle more with my social anxiety- moreso with people I don’t know, and meeting new people. But that’s how it is, and I manage it the best I can. I’m a person, and there are things about me, that –try as I might- I probably won’t be able to change as drastically as I’d like. But then if I changed so dramatically, would I even recognize myself? There are things that I can change. I need to let go more often, relax more, stop stressing about things, and stop putting pressure on myself for things that don’t really matter in the long run. And there are things I probably won’t. I’m always going to be more practical than dreamy. I’m going to let that go.

No one is perfect. I need to stop trying. I know I’ve written posts about that before, but maybe the more I write about it, the easier it will be to accept and act in accordance to the statement.

So, I still haven’t found myself as feeling like a ‘high’ priestess. I figured I would, but instead I still find myself feeling like me. A coven leader, one of a circle of wise, loving, intelligent, awesome sisters. Coordinator of rituals, events, meetings, and rules. Not the high and mighty, all-knowing, infallible priestess I had expected to feel like.

I like this me better than the person who I had hoped to become.

Disappointment, Feelings and Analyzing

I have flaming angry PMS. And I haven’t blogged for awhile. Its only in the past year that I’ve really started getting PMS. Short TMI alert. My boobs get sore, I go from normal to ragetastic in 3.4 seconds, and its hard to keep a grip on that. I also want to eat EVERYTHING. Kind of like when I have to take the Prednisone. STARVING. Makes me really look forward to actually having a period.

So, I haven’t let the environmental issues at home get to me, really. The kitchen is torn up, the office is of torn up. The playroom is crowded, and so is my room. The backyard still has a bunch of shit in it. I’m so disappointed. I’ve been so focused on trying to stay positive for the past month or so, and now I’m letting myself let things go. Like, I was so excited to have a birthday party. I haven’t had a REAL birthday party since I was like 12 or 13 and last year, for my 30th, we were struggling to even pay bills on time to not let things get shut off. So, needless to say, no party for me. So, I had decided that I was going to have a party this year- it was going to be my 30th birthday party- on my 31st birthday. It was supposed to be funny. I really wanted to have a party for that milestone, so why not? Well, with all of the shit going on, its not going to happen.

Obviously. I’m not trying to dwell on it, but this weekend is my birthday, and I had planned out this awesome party. Not like anyone knew that/what I was planning, but I was really excited about it. I can’t do it next year, either, because while having a 30th birthday party on a 31st birthday is funny, having it on a 32nd birthday would just be sad. I know, in the big scheme of things, in the big picture, its not that important. I’m healthy, I can actually pay my bills on time now. I have a great, loving husband, and a great family. But I think its still okay to be disappointed. I try to stay on the positive side, a lot, and I try not to let things “get me down,” and I try to ignore things that bother me, but I think it’s probably better to be authentic- and recognize things that suck, while letting them go. It’s okay to be upset and disappointed, because it isn’t fair. But that’s life.

In addition to this, last weekend, a girl quit a yahoogroup ( but we meet in person) that I’m a listmom for, in a very dramatic way. Basically said that no one cared about her, etc. She said she sent it to all of the groups she was part of. I was irritated because I felt as though she was telling US that we didn’t care, etc. Which is exactly what she did do. Even though I got a little mama bear on her, I tried to help her, and tell her she could work through her problems, and I could tell she was strong by her posts on the group (which is all true). I got a very very angry and mean email back. People in the yahoogroup were quick to respond- they defended me, they are really supportive, but I got a lot of “she just didn’t know how to take you.” Both on the list and off. This event has me re-thinking (and over analyzing) what I post from now on. In my passion for trying to help people, It’s possible that I come off holier than thou sometimes, when that’s the last thing I mean to come off of. I am protective, though not possessive, and I’ve been mistaken for being power-trippy, when that’s the LAST thing I am.

It makes me want to take a break from EVERY SOCIAL GROUP / INTERNET GROUP so that I can over analyze in peace for awhile, and get back to being okay with what I type. I’ll be posting less, that’s for sure.

I try to be really diplomatic. Some people get a chuckle out of this. But it’s not easy to be diplomatic. Really. Not. Easy. Especially when I want to tell people what I really think. I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings- so I avoid this at almost any cost. Especially when someone is lashing out and hurting. I’m just glad the listquitter didn’t quit this week- as I’m easily angered, and could easily have fired off an email that she could have construed as hurtful. Not like that would be any different than what I originally sent. One day, I’ll probably tell people what I really think. Ivy uncensored.

Labor Day Weekend

This is the least intuitive computer I've ever been on. When I double-click on a picture, don't open photoshop- it takes like 10 minutes to fully load. Damnit. Anyway.

This labor day weekend has been full of labor, and lazy. This past Saturday, my coven had an open event called Night of a Thousand Goddesses. It was really nice. Too bad my wrist was hurting so much, I could barely concentrate on my presentation. Blowage. We had new interested sisters, and I like to be at my best when we have new people. Oh well. Perhaps its the Goddess telling me I try too hard? I learned two things that night: 1) I shrug my shoulders like a moron when I get excited, and 2) if I write notecards from what I know, just go from my brain, stop focusing o the cards. I was in a lot of pain, so I wasn't at my best, like I said. Bummer.

I don't know whats really up with my wrist and forearms, but they were hurting like the dickens, with big swollen lumps of muscley goodness Saturday night into Sunday morning. Sunday, I ran around with the hubby- picked up some sweet tea vodka. Yup, its super super good. Today, I helped my MIL pick out some new rugs for her bathroom. I think she wants to upgrade the style of her bathroom. Cool deal!

We ate so well tonight. Crab legs, shrimp, steak, corn on the cob... yummers! I only ate a little of each, as my tummy hates it when I mix my meats. *rimshot*

I uploaded my Lopez Lake camping pics to my facebook and my photobucket. Had hives really bad- scratched myself scabby this weekend. So, I sucked it up and took the prednisone. It drive me crazy because it makes me want to eat everything in sight! So its harder than usual to not do that!

And what would a blog entry be without a cat video/photo/story. Okay, so I went to put away my laundry (yay, its all done), and I found the cat in my back room. The back room is a mess due to the flooding issues we had here, and so the cat was crazy and climbed the the highest point in the room. So, of course I took a little video. I was crazy sceered that she would hit her head on the ceiling fan...

Really? Now what.

So, my hubbys office is flooded. Which means, his stuff goes into my room (the only clutter-free room in the house. My one place I can actually relax). Our bathroom is wrecked, the bedroom is still messy, and the playroom- which is to be our living room is still filled with boxes that need to go to storage, and his sisters crap that she didn't take with her. So. Basically this means, I'm pretty much confined to our bedroom thats pretty messy, or the 5'x5' spoce where the couch is in the playroom.

I know that this is NO ONES fault. But I'm quite unhappy. I enjoy not having to pay rent, but this is fucking ridiculous.

I haven't been home yet, but it seems as though I won't have any space to be able to do anything. We can't even sit at the dining room table, because the stuff from the kitchen is on it. I have more to add, but I just got back from a training and have to pee. so. bad.

Camping!

This past weekend, my husband and I went camping! We headed up to Lake Lopez in the San Luis obispo area. It was warm, but the breeze off the lake made it bearable. The deer came right through the campsite, and there were also wild turkeys and quail and squirrels, and hawks... it was wonderful. I'll be posting pictures, later. :)